Pregnancy is GROSS!

In all seriousness, pregnancy is BEYOND gross. Yes I think it's freakin' AUH-MAZING, but its still completely and absolutely GROSS. And I'm pretty sure from all my symptoms (that in all honesty really haven't been that bad) and TMI, Sister will never even consider giving Baby Z a little cousin to play with until sometime in her late 30s and that's if we luck out. Here is my list in no particular order (obviously they are randomly poppin' up so I could not possibly justify which is worst than the next)--if you can't tell I'm completely fascinated with gross things and secretly I love it and think its awesome:

1. GAS: I thank the sweet Baby J every day that I work from home. Yesterday is a prime example. We currently have A LOT of changes going on with our project and there was a meeting at 2:30 yesterday and our project manager asked us to attend in person...awesome. I wake up yesterday morning feeling like straight ass. My belly was all bloated up and my skin felt so stretched out. I was MIZ! :( Now I will be perfectly honest with you, this was in all actuality my own doing. I had a little snacky snack before bed that consisted of an entire row of oreos. I just felt really really gross. I've always had indigestion but its quadrupled since I've been pregnant. I'm so proud I'm sure my son will be the life of the party with his inhuman burps if he's anything like his Mama. Normally on days like this I'm like whatevs because I'm sitting at home. If its a HUGE burp big deal (not that the office ever stopped me from burping...so inapprop I know). And if a little gas leaks out the back side I just have to apologize to my poor husband that its gonna be one of THOSE days. He married me and knocked me up, so its not like he can really complain too much about what symptoms my body (and his baby) take on. However, when it comes to my co-workers, yeah I don't want to be physically in a meeting and let a loud one rip. Actually it would be more mortifying if it was one of those silent but deadly ones. Thankfully I made it through the entire meeting with out any incidents occurring.


2. Poop: I think what grossest me out most about the pregnancy poops is that they are so inconsistent. I'll have to go four-five times one day (again I throw up a prayer to Big J that I work from home and can poop in the privacy of my own home as much as I would like) and then the next NOTHING. Have I mentioned I'm a hypochondriac? Yeah I am. So my biggest fear with pregnancy pooping is giving myself hemorrhoids. For serious. That mess is no joke. Thankfully none to date. I am already freakin' out about the first poop after Baby Z is born. I cringe thinking about it. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry.


3. Boobs: Two words for you stretch marks. I have increased two cup sizes which lots of folks would be excited about, no thanks. The good Lord can take them back along with the stretch marks I got from my boobs getting bigger. Obviously its to make more room for the milk...YAY! Vomit! Don't even get me started on how gross its gonna be when I'm out in public and my boobs just start lactating everywhere that's gonna be super awesome. And everything has gotten darker and it ain't because its the summer and these areas have seen the sun. It's super creepy.


4. Bodily Fluids: Never in a million years could I have been prepared for the things that come out of your body when you are pregnant and the ways they chose to come out. For starters: Pee. For the past few weeks if Baby Z is sitting on my bladder just right and I sneeze a little dribble of pee will come out. (Thankfully I work from home and can make a quick underwear change it its bad...How do you ladies do this at work?) And the mess that comes out due to my body being completely awesome and preppin' itself to protect the baby from any infection by creating a Mucus Plug (VOMIT!). Its pretty awesome that my body builds this little plug, but you know a dude totally named it. Definitely NOT a lady! And this is just now, I'm already freakin' out about after labor! I haven't had a visit from Aunt Flow in oh 9-10 months when Baby Z makes his appearance. This is gonna be the WORST visit of my life! And the WORST part is I have to go back to being 12 years old and only get to use pads. Pads are the most nasty disgusting invention a dude ever designed. Only a man would expect a lady to sit in her own body cleansed filth for several hours before she changes her own diaper and puts on a new one. The good news is that since I have to wear a pad it will be like a diaper so if I have any issues with pee leakage when I sneeze after Baby Z is born well at least that little issue will be solved.


5. Smells: Other than my own gas, I haven't encountered any unpleasant odors from me that is. I'm more referring to the deliver room. I am HORRIFIED of what that experience is going to be like. And thankfully since we moved into the second tri I haven't been gagging at the drop of a hat over gross smells or objects anymore :)


6. Labor and Delivery: I am beyond thankful that I don't have to watch this process. And I am so very happy that my husband does not want to be down at the business end during delivery. In all honesty if dudes had to give birth, I think I would see that delivery every time I saw a penis for the rest of my life. Frankly I really don't want my husband to be scared or scarred to go near me, we do want Baby Z to have siblings. Still referencing #5, regardless of where you are in the room I've heard the smell is HORRIBLE. And that's not even if you poop on the delivery table. And that doesn't even worry me, I have no shame (obviously). Thankfully there will be a nice nurse there to clean up my little mess and I bet I won't even know it happened, though I will be asking cause I always need to know. My good friend H gave an epic recap of her delivery and she said she didn't poop during delivery but she sure thought she did because of the smell. Only to find out no its not poop that's just the smell of your beautiful child because its been cooped up in your uterus for 9-10 months....Yummmmy! You know that's gonna smell gooooood! Vomit! And the stretching/ripping during delivery! Now this is what creeps/freaks me out the most. The thought of ripping or tearing and needing stitches. Oh dear Lord Jesus! My poor husband...y'all pray for his sanity because y'all know I will be FREAKIN' out like a super crazy lady while delivering. And even if you don't rip/tear and need stitches, my poor little v-jay is gonna be so over worked that apparently I'll need an ice pack. I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am to welcome my child into the world and then get to put an ice pack on my nether regions while our family comes in to meet the little guy...awkward!

And the best part is I cannot wait for all the gross and disgusting things I'll get to share about my child once he is here! :)