My wife decided it's high time to start working on our birth plan. That sounded like a good idea in theory. If Hollywood has me taught me nothing else (and it hasn't), it's that birth plans simply consist of knowing where the hospital is, who our doctor is, how to get checked in and whether or not my wife wants to be injected with enough analgesic to subdue a small mastodon. Also, a checklist of simple items like "make sure not to be in an elevator after this point, because it's pretty much a guarantee you will get stuck on said elevator and have to deliver the baby right then and there."
But oh, no, there is apparently a whole world of delivery related nuances that I never could have imagined. A few choice items that showed up on our birth plan options:
"My delivery is planned as: Water bath"
I knew this was a thing, but I thought it was worth pointing out that we're only on question #2 and I was already weirded out. I just don't understand this one, do you just do it just because you think people just had it right back in the 1880s? Do you also use prefer to use leeches instead of Advil?
"During Labor I'd Like: Music played"
Are we just letting them know if she wants to bring in an iPod with headphones? Or are they going to play it over the loudspeakers for us? If so, what would they do if we insisted on Metallica's Master of Puppets album?
"During Labor I'd Like: The lights dimmed"
Awwww yeah, a little tender mood lighting to put us in the baby deliverin' frame of mind. On second thought, maybe we should go with Al Green as our soundtrack.
"During Labor I'd Like: As few vaginal exams as possible"
This may surprise you, but the option for as many vaginal exams as possible doesn't exist.
"I'm not interested in: An enema"
You and me both, baby. You and me both.
"I'd like labor augmentation: Performed by membrane stripping, Performed with prostaglandin gel, Performed by rupture of the membrane, Performed by stripping of the membrane"
I have no idea what any of these things mean, but they all sound absolutely awful. If I was pregnant, this is the part where I'd quit. Though I am curious to find out what the difference is between "membrane stripping" and "stripping of the membrane." I'll see if I can find the most inappropriate time possible to ask the doctor this one.
"For pain relief I'd like to use: Distractions"
Look over here at my fingers held up like dancing bunny ears! Look!
"For pain relief I'd like to use: Hypnosis"
Sub request: I would like to wake up no longer thinking I'm a chicken laying an egg.
"For pain relief I'd like to use: TENS"
I had to look this one up. It's basically glorified electric shock therapy, and the machine looks like something you'd use to jump-start a truck. Hospitals seriously humor this?
"During delivery I would like to: Squat"
I can imagine for some women this is beneficial in terms of making delivery easier. But it's just... I mean, you're crapping out your baby?
"During delivery I would like to: Use a birthing stool"
At least squatting makes strategic sense. Can someone diagram this one for me? Because I'm at a loss.
"As the baby is delivered, I would like to: Help catch the baby"
I see only one scenario in which this works logistically, and it involves a trampoline.
"As the baby is delivered, I would like to: Let my partner suction the baby"
Off the top of my head I could list at least 10 reasons why this is a terrible idea, and several of them involve me recreating proton pack scenes from Ghostbusters.
"Immediately after delivery I would like to: See the placenta before it's discarded"
I know some people keep the placenta to eat it, or plant a tree, or inject it straight into their blood stream like Captain America's super serum. But is the look of it a deciding factor in this decision? How do I tell the difference between a good placenta and a bad one? Do I need to also feel its texture, like an avacado?
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